I think it was my second time at Bible college when I first had this mini-revelation.

Like most young red-blooded Americans( especially of the virgin persuasion ), I had this notion that marriage and sex would assuage all seems of emptiness and appease all my upset longings. I looked forward to finding and wedding that one person who, once find, would satisfy me once and for all. As I’ve written about before, I have awoken from this misguided impression and cultivated more realistic expectations.

I specifically recollect where I was this one night in college, though, when the seeds of this realization first took root. I had grabbed a lounge from the sidewalk in Chicago and used it as my bed for an entire school year. At the time, I was reading Sarah F. Winner’s book Real Sex , which argues for a holistic and healthy opinion of sex and chastity, so the topic was heavy on my intellect. I was grappling with this question of whether or not to continue engaging a girl who was in my life at the time, and there on that tattered couch-bed, it hit me.

Sex will not satisfy me once and for all.

This ethereal entity which seemed like a haven of ecstasy and gratification would leave me no more permanently fulfilled than a good dinner fills up my belly once and for all.

Give it enough time and the well runs dry again.

This thing which, since secondary school, had seemed like the finishing line to the human race would not satisfy me once and for all. I specifically recollect the scene playing out in my imagination. I imagined myself married to a woman, regardless of how beautiful and( ahem) sexy , once the act was over, I would be in the same place I was in reality: Only trying to fall asleep, get a good night’s sleep, and go on with life.

The act of sex would not permanently fill the elusive voids within my spirit. After the purposes of the act, physically speaking of course, I’d be content for a while but life would continue madly on, and the exhort would return again. I recognise it is not a permanent fix-all for whatever ails the insides of me.

You could say I realized that sexuality is not sexy.

I mean, what sort of words come to mind when we think of the word sexy? Isn’t it some sort of glamorous, polished, and unrealistic ideal which is constantly being sought but never actually comprehended?

Sexy is arousing.

Sexy reeks nice and doesn’t have morning breath or hangnails.

Sexy is airbrushed and may or may not have had some plastic job done.

But then I conjure from this fiction long enough to look around and tame my wild expectations. I look at those elderly couples who have weathered 50+ times together and are anything but sexy. Yet there is something which keeps them together all those times. There is something deeper and more attractive which describes him to her and vice versa for all those decades. In their essence,’ sexiness’ and porn depend on novelty. There are always new people and new bodies and new, flashy ways to turn person on. Intimacy, however, is the opposite. It depends on getting to know the same person over a long time.

I recollect something an older mentor told me only a few years ago which has stayed with me, which I turned into a lyric ( read the full thing here ) 😛 TAGEND

he said,
“sure sexuality is great
and a good torso is arousing at first ,
but eventually ,
it’s just good to be naked ,
it’s nice to be naked with the same old person.”

Of course, this nudity operates far deeper than a physical absence of clothes. It’s a raw, performance-less sort of nakedness. Unlike Adam and Eve who realise they were naked and ran and hid, this sort of intimacy exposes itself to another in a beautiful and unabashed way.

Real sex is not a one-and-done sort of event, but an ongoing, dare I say, boring and mundane practise between a husband and wife. If we single people go into wedlock expecting a cinematic( read: pornographic) experience every time we come to the marital couch with our beloved, we will be sorely disappointed. This is why thousands of wedded men and women still struggle with pornography after the wedding night. Because sexuality is no longer an cure-all for all of our desires and fantasies. No one person can fulfill all of our deep longings, as “theyve been” programmed by media and publication covers.

No, real sexuality is not sexy. It is intimate and longsuffering. It is selfless and other-focused in nature. It is not the subject matter of matrimony, but a reflection of the friendship which should already exist between the two spouses.

Think of it like communion: At the table, we take into ourselves the bread and wine; the body and the blood of Jesus Christ. It is a physical representation of a spiritual reality. It is a darknes which points to something beyond itself. The bread and wine are not special in and of themselves, but they are important because of what the hell is point to.

Sex, similarly, is the physical coming together of two people who have already united themselves to the other socially, financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

It’s a visible emblem of an invisible reality.

Nowhere are we promised that the sexuality itself will satisfy us. In fact, if we expect sexuality alone to fulfill us without the fullness of the relationship being present, it will be hollow and lifeless and the authorities concerned will walk away empty. But when sex follows all the other areas of an intimate relationship, consummated in wedlock( the covenant is the consummation ), it is life dedicating and fruitful( literally ).

And when we think of it that way, we must remember: Sexuality is not sexy.

It is real and it is ongoing. It happens amidst the vacuuming and the errands. It is not always made-up and gorgeous, and occasionally gets sick and vomits. The topic is, are we going to commit to this person who will have very un-sexy days( increasingly so as the years roll on ), or are we going to keep holding out for some sexy fiction which will never materialize?

This year, I want to attempt to unprogram my head from what our culture has taught us is “sexy” and reclaim a more holistic and realistic ideal of sex. I want to return it to its proper place in my intellect, undoing years of being formed in the image of our pornified culture, and espousing a panorama which is sustainable, healthy, and quite frankly, un-sexy.

So are you with me? Are you ready to help reform our culture in favor of real sexuality rather than the plastic version “weve been” bombarded with daily? It won’t is very easy( or pretty) and will take a lot of rewiring our brains to believe according to reality rather than Insta-glamour. Let’s be people with eyes who can see genuinely and not be deluded by what media tells us is’ sexy.’